Some years ago, my family experienced a loss so difficult to fathom. My infant sister died a few days after she came home from the hospital. My mother and I tried to save her life and were able to get her to the hospital where she passed a few hours later. What my mother went through, heavy stuff…don’t know how we did it. I know this is dark material for a blog and hope all who read will understand the valleys make the peaks more beautiful.

Joe, I don’t know anything about Funky Winkerbean or who Les is, but he sounds like me right now. You’re so right, grief is greatly underestimated…and we all handle it differently.

This is a heavy topic for a blog, but this is what people go through and people need to talk about it. I, too, lost an infant son, he would be 23 years old now. The loss was awful, I believe I lost weeks zoned out afterwards, and questioned why and how could this possibly happen to me. I thought for a LONG time God was punishing me for something. But that was bad theology. People said they were sorry, but they became empty words, because they didn’t know what I was going through. The grief took it’s toll, but it was a huge wake up call. I realized how much I took for granted up until that point in my life. I did take a new perspective away from the experience.

Joe, that was very sad as I saw today, but it’s life.. not being fair for anyone and I would also like to share a little of my experience with death, if you don’t mind.
And to all of you who’ve experienced such a devastating loss, I’m very sorry as I know very well “sorry” doesn’t mean anything..so I will say to you now, you are in my thoughts & if I knew you then, I wouldn’t say ‘please call me if you ever need anything’. I’d be calling you long after the other phone calls & continuous visits ended. I’d be knocking on your door whether you answered your phone or not.

Some people don’t know what to say because they haven’t been through it or “I can’t imagine what you’re going thru”.. and they don’t. It’s strange how so many are there for you in the beginning, then they slowly dwindle away when you seem to need them the most after the numbness wears off & the reality of it all finally sinks in.. and they don’t even know this. How could they? So we can’t blame anyone but God, and we ask “Why did you do this?” I still have many questions but I know one thing .. we won’t know until we get there ourselves and that’s still a ‘questionable question’ to me I often think about.

My one true love was taken from me a little over 4 months ago. 26 years, dating, living together and married for 15. Neither was in a rush to marry.. we decided on our own and did it without telling anyone. We told everyone afterwards, had parties, etc. It wasn’t a big deal in our eyes.. we were already married, we loved eachother & that’s what counts. We were best friends.. I lost my husband, my best friend, my world.

And as I’ve seemed to be a ‘happy go lucky girl’ here.. it helps, as I’ve said before, to get away & focus on other things. Just as my volunteering, even if it’s just on the web sometimes.. I did it before my life changed and I continue to do it for therapy and to help others. I still go to visit with the homeless waiting to be adopted at the SPCA. Have any of you ever sat in the play room with mostly adult cats or taken a caged pup outside to spend a little time with him/her just to make them happy for a little while? I certainly will not put you down for not doing it .. many people don’t know you can do this. I’m all for volunteering & helping people when I can but please don’t forget the animals. They have no voice & we have to speak for them. All they want is to be loved and not forgotten or abused. I also have many plans for a DVD I received the other day from a friend in Canada… “Keep me Safe”. I will make copies and let this be known in VA & other states soon. I need this & I want this to be known as it should be.

And the beer fest?.. I’m all for the 24th. Where?.. I’ve been to Annie Moores during the day once. Maybe the Tavern would be better? I don’t know, it’s up to you guys.
Take care~

Well, I have not lost a child or a spouse, so as is said, I don’t know how bad that feeling must be.

My empathies go out to all of you and Joe as he so eloquently wrote the RT.

My husband killed himself and the shame, judgement, gossip…I have learned who the people are who care about me and our boys. Suicide is a subject that needs to be addressed. This grief is unbearable. I ask every day why. What could I done to stop this and why did I not see it coming. I hate the answers that I give myself. He once told me life was lemonade already made, sometimes sweet, sometimes tart, but always take that sip. My soulmate is gone. So many faces of grief. The worst part is half the neighborhood watched as my life, my husband, was some freak parade. Watching as they brought him up, put him in the bag, watched as they took my life away…Yes this blog is heavy, to lose such an important part of ones being…you do not recover, you learn how to live again, but it is never the same, never.

I agree 100 percent. All I know about grief came from a neighbor I spoke with after my wife died: Holidays will be the hardest, and it never goes away, but it does get better.
Mental Health America in Roanoke has a suicide support group. You might want to give them a call. I hear it’s been beneficial to many people.
My condolences and those of everybody on here, I am sure.

((Angela)),
My heart goes out to you, please know that.
My brother in law killed himself quite a few years back and how I remember the parade of people staring. Though my husband’s loss was not that, it was sudden & very unexpected.
It is so very hard and I pray the sun shines a little brighter on you each day. I say that and I mean it but I only wish it could be as simple as that.
As for the upcoming months.. it would be nice to think I could sleep thru mid Nov ‘07 to mid Jan ‘08. Sad, we can’t do that but we try our best with the ugly miserable hand we’ve been dealt~

I’m very sorry,
I meant to add, ‘my heart goes out to all of you’

My mom died when I was 14 and I still have not got over that. If there is one person sitting beside Jesus, it is my mom. She was 52 when she passed with cancer. My father remarried a year later and then I got the real Stepmonster of all. My father passed away 18 years ago but step monster is still living. That is so true, the good die young.

Angela..My heart hurt after reading about your husband. I will be keeping you and your family in my thoughts and prayers.I also as Joe said encourage you to find a grief support group. There are many in this area. Being with those who are walking the same path you are really helps as they know your pain. The kids also need for sometimes kids will blame themselves and their is one in this area also.
After a death I mark the calendar and the next year send the family a thinking of you on the first anniversary of their love ones death.Also it is thoughtful just to send cards during the year to let them know they are not forgotten. I have heard from so many what this meant to them as people do forget and forget quickly.
God bless

Thank you Joe, and to all else who have posted for me. I will call. Melinda, the one step I have taken is to let our children know in no way were they responsible, and knowing, they will to some degree still blame themselves, but I will try. Katherine, my sister in this. Loss is Loss, love is love, and no matter how it happens, horrible. I am sorry for your loss. You know, bless you. He is a wonderful person, and stood for justice. He touched more people than he knew in his earthly life. And I chersish every moment that God granted me to be with him. If I can raise our children to be half the man he was, I am blessed. I have been blessed, I had him, this man.

P.S. Melinda you are right, people do forget. And I will now mark my calendar, so I can let them know, that life goes on, but I remember their loved one as well.

Angela,
I’m full of tears, I can barely see. You & your children take good care of eachother. I know you will see so much more in the future as you look into your children’s eyes, see their little ways, so much about them & inside of them… their Dad, your husband. He will always be with you. I’ve ignored people telling me about these support groups. I just don’t know what to expect. You think you’re getting a little better & it hits you like a freight train again. Some people say to keep looking up. When I’m outside day or night & I look up, I picture Heaven and what a beautiful place it must be and think of all the beautiful people that are up there. I admit I don’t like it at times.. they should still be here but we carry on.
A friend of mine lost her husband a year ago July 2006. She & her kids still go to counseling. She told me it’s helped her young ones so very much! and her also. I think I went to the wrong one. When I went to the funeral & graveside service, I couldn’t believe how close he was to my Mother. I was actually shocked and told a few people there, ‘my Mom is right there.’
Now my husband is close also and I always take xtra fresh flowers for Scott each time I walk by and say a little hello to him. And I tell my friend, I always straighten up the silks there as the hilltop has so much wind.
I hope you call and take your children too.
You take care of You also my friend~

Support groups or individual counseling can be a great help if you are struggling with your loss.
When I loss my son, I went to a group called Compassionate Friends, and they helped me through the tough times. My thoughts and prayers are with both of you.

God bless everybody for your loss. Such a sad sad time for everybody. God, family and friends will help you get though this.

Angela,
I was wondering if you’ve called anyone and would you like some company as I can’t see myself going to a grief support group alone.. I saw the number in the neighbors section last week & I have it circled close by me but haven’t called. It’s a diff # or place I believe, but it’s a start (?).
I thought I was doing better even after I went to a counselor only twice.. I realized I could tell my friends & they would tell me the same things she did. When I asked her about support groups, she actually said it may not be for me & uncomfortable for me as many they may be much older. I didn’t realize it at the time but as I think back.. who cares?? In reality, I think she just wanted me to come back seeing her, even on my 2nd visit.. she had already asked an opinion from another counselor. (?) hmmmm.. I thought SHE was suppose to help me, so I didn’t go back. The second session, I think she cryed more than I did, wanting me to bring pics, etc. and she was at a loss for words for what I’d lost. (20 yrs experience?) .. This was a shock to me as I thought about it later. Nope, I’m not going back, I can do this on my own.
Now I find again, I need some help. This is not working on my own as I thought it would. Anyone can take a few ‘happy pills’and I tried. What is ‘Happy’? I can get on the computer and forget for awhile and take off to who knows where.. I even leave a note on my kitchen counter sometimes in case I don’t return so people will know where I was headed if gone for the day or 2..just in case I didn’t return. I don’t like to keep telling everyone where I am. Then I get home, I’m alone again, he’s not here.
I don’t know how long ago this happened in your life, it really doesn’t matter. There is always a 2nd or 3rd try and I didn’t do that.
I feel I need to make a call and I hope you do too even if it’s a different place.
I pray God wraps his arms around you & your beautiful children to help you through this.

Katherine, I see you do wear your husband’s tee shirt because it smells like him and reminds you of some fun times with him. I think you should keep doing that for as long as you want to.
About finding the right counselor…if the person you go to see for help with your feelings is talking about their feelings more than they are giving you tools for how to deal with your situation, perhaps grief counseling is not their area of expertise. Keep looking and start journaling. It’s better to process your thoughts and emotions with pen and paper than to run all of that through someone else’s brain. Cheaper, too.
I share this with all of you because it has worked for me. Try it and schedule this time for youself first thing in the morning. Then you can wash your tears away in the shower and go out and face the world.
Hope this information helps someone out there.

Katherine,
You should try to go see another counselor. Don’t go it alone. There are many very qualified counselors in the area. Sometimes it may just be you need to connect with the right one. A combination of counseling with medication can be very effective, if you feel that is right for you. This approach helped one of my daughters who was suffering from severe depression. She is now seing the light at the end of the tunnel. Don’t be afraid to get some help.